Not quite Bigfoot, but definitely afoot nonetheless. In a time of crop circles, UFOs, Loch Ness Monster(s), tooth fairies, and chupacabras – strange days are here indeed.

I felt safe here at Casa Verde… until a few days ago. I was walking in the gutter outside Casa Verde, trying to find my mind, when I stumbled across this!!!

I’ve never seen or heard of such phenomena, but this is clearly a penis puddle! I don’t know if it’s good luck or bad, a blessing or a curse. It gets bigger when it rains, but if it rains too much it disappears completely. In the words of the late Kurt Vonnegut, “So it goes.”
Anyway, I’m going to go ahead and claim that we are home of the only, and soon to be world famous, penis puddle in the world – certainly the only in Puerto Rico, so make your reservations now. We’re about to be booked years and years in advance, so get on it.

Yeah, that’s right, we got some good ink in National Geographic Adventure magazine. No diggity! We didn’t make the cover this time around, but soon enough…
In fact, the cover pictured isn’t the issue we are in (which is December 2009 – January 2010, by the way), but it’s the first one I found searching Google Images. Wait, maybe we are on that cover. I vaguely remember a trip to Africa and that guy in the red dress… and the photographer telling all of us to stand behind a big rock. Hmmmm… I guess we shouldn’t have had that tranqu-dart fight on the plane, and then another one at the hotel, and the one in the Jeep…
Anyway, thanks Nat Geo!

We’re more than half way there. Take that Bon Jovi – you perpetually half-way-there chump!
The new patio is almost ready already. So I guess it’s not even “new” yet. When, it’s done, then it’ll be new. We’ll let you know when that is. Maybe if we drank fewer Heineken mini-kegs on the jobs we’d be done by now.

Or, Paris Hilton’s twin has a Paris Hilton. Now I’m confused. But that’s what happens when girls this hot hang out around our bar all the time. You should’ve been here when these lovely ladies got topless. I would’ve posted the not-safe-for-work photos, but all you pervs who keep checking our blog in hopes of some muy caliente pechugas (don’t lose hope compadres!) would get fired from work, and this blog would lose the two hits it gets per month because you’d never spring for internet service from home, especially not without a job. Anyway, we were talking about hot chicks, right? Well, I’m gonna go try to find these two chicks online. You know, maybe they’ll come back to myspace, and I can twitter their yahoo until they google all over my facebook. Ughhhh, maybe I went too far just then?

I can never remember that!!!
One of our very own cooks, Jimmy (who we all know and love), recently won 2nd place in what is basically the Miss Universe of chowder competitions up in Montauk, NY. I say “won” because 1st place is actually for losers who give way too much of a f*ck about what other people think. We’re not into that sort of thing here, in case you didn’t notice. We’re going to try to get Jimmy to work his chowder magic at Rock Bottom. The only problem is I ain’t seen many clams in Rincon – at least not the bivalves I learned about in 9th grade biology.

Girls used to dis me. Now they write letters cuz they miss me.
Oh really Biggie? Let’s talk more about that pissy part because we just got us a fancy new urinal at Rock Bottom. I think it’s the same urinal they have on the space shuttle. It’s definitely the kind Doc Brown would have put in the Delorian – if the Delorian was a camper instead of a coupe. Peeing into this thing is like peeing into the future, which is kind of what you’re doing when you’re peeing (I’d have to ask Stephen Hawking for some clarification on that). Anyway, this thing doesn’t use any water! Not only is this a contribution to the environment but also to the confusion of guys taking a leak, both of which are part of our mission statement at Casa Verde. The plaque that came with it says it saves 40,000 gallons of water per year per urinal, on average. That’s 40,000 more gallons of water we can drink to make us pee more in the water-free unrinal, thus saving more and more water. What a lovely cycle! The plaque also says “hands-free,” which means you don’t have to touch it to flush it. It doesn’t mean you flat out shouldn’t be holding on to anything while you’re going. I want to add a sign in there just to mess with people. I’m think something like, “To flush, clap hands twice.” Or, “Voice Activated Flushing System: Yell ‘Ouch it stings! It burns!’ to flush.” Sad thing is somebody would definitely try it.

Now I can see you’re nuts!

The Puerto Rico Tourism inspector just came by a few days ago to check out our goodies, and she liked what see saw. So we get another fancy permit. Yippee skippy. What does this mean for you? It means Casa Verde Guest House is all gussied-up and ready for the prom. Now we need a sexy date to take us out, get us drunk, and sort out the bad decisions in the morning. That’s where you come in. The rooms are looking great. Our feng shui is all good, and the price is right, so let’s do this!

If Pee Wee Herman can have one, dammit, so can we – a word of the day.
Over a few Don Q and Cokes this morning, I mean, this afternoon (which one of the 12 steps were we on yesterday?), we were discussing intelligence and stupidity.

Of course, stupidity, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder i.e. “When I be holdin’ dis beer yew sher seem cute/smart.” The discussion panel decided that sometimes “smart” people do stupid things – like locking their keys in the car while it’s still running or running out of TP and having to use paper towels (oh come on, you’ve done it, and by the way Smartypants, where’s your degree from?). Other times “retarded” people do smart things – like Forrest Gump investing in Apple computers or the shrimping business. Hey, it’s better to be lucky than good. Anyway, today’s word of the day isn’t even a real word – yet. It’s a hybrid of the words smart and retarded. Without further ado, today’s word is…

resmarded – adj. slang. used to describe a person or act that is a strange blend of intelligence and stupidity. Example: Larry is so resmarded, he has a PhD in physics but he couldn’t open the door at the bank because he was pushing on it when the sign clearly said “pull.”
variant:
resmard – n. slang. a person who seems both smart and retarded. Example: Did you hear what Larry did at the bank? He’s such a resmard.

…with some phat blogs for your muh muh fuh blah computer? It’s me, DooDoo. Yes, I know it’d be way cooler if Snoop was here, or those girls with the black boxes, but you’re stuck with me. Sorry – good to see you too by the way! I just got back from a little trip around the part of the world that used to be called Yugoslavia, and let me tell you it’s good to be back in Medalla-Land. I think the local beer in some of the countries I was hiding in brew their suds with some sort of laxative. Talk about great taste and less filling!
Anyway, the point of the story is that you can stop reading the paper or watching CNN now that I’ve re-entered the blogoshpere. All the best news is right here, but now I’ve got to run. Get it? Ahh well, it was a funny pun in Eastern Europe.

I’m outta here! Despite some passport complications, yours truly is gettin’ gone for a while. Passport, shmassport – Like Matthew Wilder said, “Ain’t nobody gonna breaka my stride. Ain’t nobody gonna hold me down. Oh no! I got to keep on movin’!”
There may be some guest bloggers in my absence, but for now, I’ll let the suspense kill you….